New Times

Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes. ~ Hugh Prather

I haven't written in a long time, and I don't have anything really notable to write about now, but I thought it was time to make a few changes. This is my independent blog. We'll see where it takes us. You may be interested in knowing what happened with Chad. I don't blame you - but I don't know that the story is worth telling. We'll leave it at: I did the good-girl/conservative thing, and nothing happened. He didn't even make it to Hot August Nights. I guess I can thank my lucky stars; he honestly was always a bad idea, just a really, really enticing one.

Now I am patiently waiting for life to happen. I'm finishing up my schooling (just one-and-a-half semesters left). In the meantime, I'm hoping for a cause to feel horribly infatuated again. I like my life being full of anticipations and jitters.

Jumping in ...

I hope there is water under me . . . not asphalt.

Hot August Nights?

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. - Mae West

These last few posts are going to be posted on the same day ... I just haven't taken the time to post them until now (So, before reading past this point scroll down to For Better or for Worse, read that. Then, of course, read Then Again, Maybe Not. Done with that? Good. Now you may proceed). But let me update you on things a bit. My boss wants me to go to the week-long Hot August Night's car show. I would love to do that. It was a lot of hard work but a blast last time. We stayed in this killer hotel, with this huge pool and a sky coaster. If I can get my teachers to allow me to take my finals a week early I can do that. If not, I might have to come later. That would suck big time for me because ... guess who is going to be there the first three days if his PO will let him? I can't get the thought out of my head that "what happens in Reno stays in Reno." Stupid, I know, but still. I mean, heck, I need to do something impulsive for once in my life, right? And making out ... that shouldn't be too big a deal.

He called me up and talked to me yesterday for about an hour. I got to hear his story, finally, about why he's getting a divorce. I also found out that he's still majorly in love with his ex. I have to admit that would be a problem for me. I don't really want to be kissing someone who is in love with someone else. If he didn't love anyone, I would be cool with that. But if he's still in love, it would very much be me being a rebound. So, I don't know, we'll have to see how that goes. He also got the most atrocious hair cut. Ha ha. It's absolutely horrible. So, I'm torn at the moment between hating his hair and loving his smile. He has the most gorgeous lips. Lame? Cheesey? Definitely ... nevertheless, it's true.

Then Again, Maybe Not

Just Say No. - D.A.R.E.

Things with Chad have gotten better. He came in on Wednesday and I said hi, and he said hi back. He didnt say much but I knew he wasnt mad at me anymore (because I had text him a bit and found out that he really wasnt all that annoyed in the first place ... just confused). There were also a lot of people in the room and he and I never talk much when that is the case. I kept trying to catch his eye so I could see if he was really okay with me. He came and stapled his paper at my desk - stupid thing to note, I know, but I am the only one with a mechanical stapler and he usually comes to my desk and does it here. However, last time I saw him (on Monday) he went to an empty desk and used a stapler off of there. Anyway, he was wearing this orange cap that hid his hair and really wasn't all that flattering on him. His face was all flushed and I thought that maybe he was getting sunburned. He didn't make eye contact with me. Just once or twice a glance, and then away. When he left, not two minutes later, I got a text from him saying, "You look beautiful!" Just like that - randomly. And then I realized he wasn't getting sunburned he was blushing. Which I thought was really cute. Anyway, that got us talking. It also got him to renew his offer for us to make out. It's almost worse this time, though, because I already told him no and he got over it. So now he is determined to be patient. He told me so. So, here's this flattering, good-looking, sweet guy that is all wrong for me, who is determined to wait me out ... Now I wonder how my determination will compare to his, when i wasn't really all that determined in the first place ... just shy.

For Better or for Worse

Sharrie is now engaged. I have all of two months to help her put together a reception. The good news is, since it's a temple wedding, I don't have to worry about planning the wedding. So there is a good chance this should be doable. She got engaged Friday and Saturday Josh was at drill so I decided that that would be a great time to take Sharrie window shopping. We had a lot to do and just a little time to do it.

We decided to start with wedding dresses. We went to a shop in North Ogden where the sales lady was super solicitous (no pun intended). She told us we had to set a limit on what we are willing to pay for a wedding dress because Sharrie shouldn't try something on that she can't afford that she might fall in love with. I called Mom up and asked her what the maximum limit was. She asked how much we could rent dresses for and I told her it was about three hundred and fifty dollars. And she said, "Well, then that's the limit. You can either buy a three hundred and fifty dollar dress or rent a dress for three hundred and fifty dollars." I was a little surprised so I said, "Mom, I am asking about the most we would be willing to spend on a dress." Mom: "Yeah. About three-fifty." Me: "Uhhh... okay.... I'm going to let you go now." - I was a little ornery at her tight-fistedness. I got off the phone, turned to Sharrie, muttered, "Buzz killer." And then told Sharrie to find a nice gown and I'd foot the difference. (That might sound way generous, but realize that I only have one sister and she's only going to get married once - hopefully - so this is my time to splurge on her and I don't want her buying some white prom dress for her wedding). So, she looked through the dresses, found a few, and we went to try them on.

The first one was pretty, but it fit her kind of weird. The second one the sale's lady picked out. It was on sale for two-something and was prettier than the first dress, but this one did look like a white prom dress. The third one she tried on was gorgeous. It was perfect for her and she fell in love with it immediately. She knew this was the one she wanted. With the alterations that needed to be made the dress would cost seven hundred dollars. I didn't think that was too bad for a wedding gown. I called Mom up to come down and take a look at it. We got it for her. Mom ended up talking to Dad about it and they decided to pay for all of it. I felt a little disappointed because I wanted to be able to help out with it.

I was pushing Sharrie and Josh to make some decisions - like the wedding colors, getting their wedding announcement pictures taken - Josh got annoyed at my seeming rush for us to make these decisions, but I can't even start planning until I have some of this taken care of ... and, after all, it wasn't my idea to have the wedding set two months from the day after they propose. Anyway, after they took some "away time" they came back and decided on the colors and the cake. So, we are making progress. It's going to be a crazy couple of months though.

Now, enough about them. I want to talk about me; I am just self-obsessed like that. So, I recently got text which was a lot of fun. One of the first people I decided to text? Chad. I made it seem like an accident, as if he was just an accidental addition to my mass text telling everyone that I had text. But we got talking and I admitted to him that I had never been kissed. I know there are a handful of guys who like the idea of remedying that for me, but never has anyone been so genuinely interested - and I was interested too. I figured I just had to work to get over my shyness and we could go have a go. What better story is there than kissing a tall, good-looking, thirty-one year old ex-con for a first kiss?

Anyway, I was very tempted and was just trying to get my courage up and talk myself into it for a few weeks. Problem is, when I imagined my first kiss, I always imagined it just happening. Not, like, a planned engagement or anything. It seemed weird to me that way. Yesterday I had a long conversation and ultimately I decided we were really wrong for each other. A phrase he said - that, believe me, is not worth repeating - made me realize how vast our differences really are. At that point, I kind of let him know I wasn't interested. He wasn't very happy with me. He said he didn't understand me, and I guess I don't blame him. For whatever the reason, I don't like to make people feel bad, so I told him that I'd tell him anything he wanted to know. He said he didn't get why I was talking to him. I told him the truth - I am crazy attracted to him, and that doesn't happen very often with me. I like his confidence, his attitude, his smile. He said, "But you dont want to make out? Confusing..." I told him that I didn't want to because I was too shy to take him up on it, and because if I already have a crazy crush on him, liking him more would only put me in a position I dont want to be in.

The conversation was over at that point. I saw him today at work and said hi. But he's still not very happy with me and it was way awkward. I dont blame him. And I feel way bad. I am starting to regret my decision. I might just up and call him sometime and meet up with him somewhere. Who knows....

Sisters Again ...

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But ... I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves ... for growing up. - The Wonder Years

So, Sharrie is finally back home! I, of course, bawled when I saw her at the airport. Before she came back I imagined the time we'd have together. It would be wonderful. I was really, really good friends with her boyfriend. He'd call me for everything - to vent, for advice, or simply to talk. We'd see eachother at least once a week and had a blast every time. And, as you know, Sharrie and I are best friends. So, I'd have Sharrie and Josh here. We'd have so much fun! But ... it didnt quite turn out that way. Almost immediately Sharrie readjusted to having a boyfriend, and they've been inseparable ever since... And I'm once again the third wheel. Before Josh left on his mission I was okay with that. It happened gradually and I really wasn't that social anyway. Since he's been gone, I got used to having Sharrie to myself. When Sharrie left, I got to be way more social and got used to having Josh to myself. Now, I'm very much the third wheel, and, while that hasn't changed, I have. And I've had a hard time coming to terms with that. It took me about a week and now I think I'm back to my normal self. I go about my own business and do what I want to do and let them do what they want to do, and if it involves me I participate - if I don't have something else planned.

Flirting Again

Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? ~Helen Rowland

So, here's how it went:

Chad: Hey, Slim
Me: Hi, Freckles
Chad: It doesn't bother you when I call you "Slim" does it?
Me: No. Does it bother you when I call you "Freckles"?
Chad: No. And anyway, you look like you've put on some weight since I first met you.
Me (agast): Um... No, I haven't.
Chad: Yes you have.
(pause)
Chad: And it's not upper, it's lower.
Me, thinking, sarcastically: Ohh, good!
Me: So, just to clarify - I've got a big butt?
Chad: Well, not big, just bigger.
Me: Ah, right. Well, gee thanks. Now you've given me a complex.
Chad: No! It's not supposed to give you a complex. It's a compliment.
Me: Right. I don't think that's the same thing.
Chad: Look, no, it's good. Now you can tell people that Chad's been checking out your ass.

And the conclusion of this narrative? I don't know, you tell me. My married co-worker is checking out my "ass"? I've put on some weight but it looks good? I couldn't tell you. This happened a couple of weeks ago. This week I was talking to him, and he was telling me that my butt looks good now, but I still need to put on ten more pounds. And I was like, "Oh, yeah? Where should I put it?"

Chad: Well, maybe that the lower end is taken care of, you can work on the upper.

Me: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't exactly think I can choose where to put it.... Well, not unless I had a lot of money.

Chad: Well, tell you what, we'll go halfsies.

Me: Oh yeah? Well I'm not sure that's fair to you.

Chad: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, I get the better end of the deal. I get to keep them.

Chad: Naw, 'cause when we get divorced I get my half back.