Flirting Again

Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? ~Helen Rowland

So, here's how it went:

Chad: Hey, Slim
Me: Hi, Freckles
Chad: It doesn't bother you when I call you "Slim" does it?
Me: No. Does it bother you when I call you "Freckles"?
Chad: No. And anyway, you look like you've put on some weight since I first met you.
Me (agast): Um... No, I haven't.
Chad: Yes you have.
(pause)
Chad: And it's not upper, it's lower.
Me, thinking, sarcastically: Ohh, good!
Me: So, just to clarify - I've got a big butt?
Chad: Well, not big, just bigger.
Me: Ah, right. Well, gee thanks. Now you've given me a complex.
Chad: No! It's not supposed to give you a complex. It's a compliment.
Me: Right. I don't think that's the same thing.
Chad: Look, no, it's good. Now you can tell people that Chad's been checking out your ass.

And the conclusion of this narrative? I don't know, you tell me. My married co-worker is checking out my "ass"? I've put on some weight but it looks good? I couldn't tell you. This happened a couple of weeks ago. This week I was talking to him, and he was telling me that my butt looks good now, but I still need to put on ten more pounds. And I was like, "Oh, yeah? Where should I put it?"

Chad: Well, maybe that the lower end is taken care of, you can work on the upper.

Me: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't exactly think I can choose where to put it.... Well, not unless I had a lot of money.

Chad: Well, tell you what, we'll go halfsies.

Me: Oh yeah? Well I'm not sure that's fair to you.

Chad: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, I get the better end of the deal. I get to keep them.

Chad: Naw, 'cause when we get divorced I get my half back.

A Wink And A Wave

I work from awkwardness. - Diane Arbus

I was in a meeting the other day with my boss. We were just discussing life and scheduling and such. Joy (my manager) comes in with a kid about my age who apparently is our roofer - as in, he's repairing our roof. My boss, who likes to make things awkward - just for the fun of it - pointed to me and told the kid, "See? Here's one you can date." Then he turned to me and explained, "My wife keeps trying to set him up with our daughters..." -turning back to the kid- "But you can date her, too."

Obviously things were pretty awkward at that point, and so I decided to ... well ... enhance that embarrassment. I got this cheesy grin on; I winked, and then I wiggled my fingers flirtatiously at him. Not joke. Smile, wink and wave. I thought he'd laugh and we'd move on, but he completely clammed up. And I about died - of repressed internal laughter. He thought I was serious. Not only would that make me an absolute social retard, but the fact that he believed my sincerity would indicate that he suffers from some sort of quasi-narcissism. He didnt look at me for the remainder of the time in the room, and I think I pretty much traumatised the kid.